A COUPLE OF WORDS FROM MY BODY — LET GO!

I took yoga after a couple of weeks away.  During all of the breathing, sweating, and stretching going on, I heard my body say to me (okay, my mind as inspired by my body), “Let go!” 

Wow!  Those two words resonated with me, not only on a physical level, but in many areas of my life.  Time to clean the closets, get rid of the old, close the books on a few business things that are no longer relevant, and make room for some new things.

Is this the way it’s going to be in 2012?!? 

I certainly hope so.

Body Talkin,

Mark

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AHHHH! THE PLEASURE OF REALIGNMENT

In my last post, I wrote about my back being misaligned and what the awareness of that discomfort was teaching me.  The body is constantly telling us things about our thinking and feeling, whether we are in alignment with feeling our best or not.  When we listen, we can realign our thoughts, feelings, and body for an optimal feeling of well-being. 

Well, boys and girls, I’m FEELING GOOD again!  What a pleasure!  What a treat!  What has changed?  My thinking changed and thus my feelings changed.  As a result, the feeling of my body and of being IN my body has changed.  I am so grateful.

When the body gets “out of whack” and starts to ache and hurt, it’s talking to you.  Listen.  Listen.  Stop.  Breathe.  Listen to what it is telling you, what it is saying.  Just like a baby that does not yet have words to express its discomfort, the body has its own way of expressing when it is hurting due to our misaligned thinking and feeling.  So, we feed the heart, replenish the soul, and nurture the body.  And, moment-by-moment, we start feeling better and better.  Ahhhhhhh, what pleasure!

Body Talkin’,

Mark

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BACK OUT! IT IS A PASSING THING.

So, for the past two days I’ve been feeling some pain in my back.  In Chinese medicine it would be described as “wind energy,” because it has moved from my upper scapula to my lower back.  In other words, it is a passing thing.  It is not meant to last.  It is simply there to tell me something.  Somewhere my thinking and feeling has gotten out of alignment and my back  has followed suit.  Thanks for letting me know.

So, I breathe deeply.  I breathe deeply again.  The pain is still there, but still I touch the pain with my breath.  My back tightens.  I feel a squeeze.  I recognize the discomfort and make as much peace with it as possible.  It is a passing thing.

I look out as I write and listen to the world around me.  I breathe again.  There is a little less pain and a little more mental relief.  It is a passing thing.

I feel my body adjust slightly in my seat.  I breathe again.  I feel myself relax into my seat more fully and I realize that I’ve not been so grounded as of late.  Lots of changes have added to a sense of needing to move faster, more productively, more, more, more …

I stop.  I breathe again.  The pain is not as acute.  It has shifted.  I become aware of my feet planted on the floor.  I feel my shoulders drop.  I know I am making peace with this moment.  I am backing out of the thoughts and actions that were a part of this misalignment.  It is a passing thing.

Do you have any pain in your body that seems to be there unexplainably?   Try breathing into it.  See if it is telling you anything.  I’ll keep doing the same.

Body Talkin’,

Mark

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FEAR OR JOY? — THE BODY KNOWS!

Have you ever noticed when making big decisions that you either feel small and scared inside or big and expansive?  This is the body’s way of speaking to us to let us know whether we are making decisions from fear or joy.

Choices made from fear, weaken us.  Our energy shrinks and the body feels less than optimal.  Decisions made from joy, enthusiasm, and positive expectation, strengthen us.  Our energy expands and the body feels powerful and alive.

Try it!  Think of a decision, choice, or direction for your life that you have been contemplating.  Breathe deeply and feel what happens to your inside (especially the area around the solar plexus (stomach)).  What do you feel when you sit and breathe deeply into that area?

Bodily reactions and responses to our thoughts are great barometers for what is in our highest and greatest good.  Move in the direction that strengthens you and makes you feel your best authentically from the inside out.

Breathing Deeply and Body Talkin’,

Mark

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LAUGHTER — GOOD FOR THE HEAD AND THE HEART!

Lately, I’ve been working on a project in which I get to laugh … a lot.  I’m finding that I have more energy throughout the day.  I’m sleeping even more soundly and waking up refreshed.  I’ve even lost a pound or two.  My mind feels clearer and though I have less time to get the “other things” done, it doesn’t seem to matter.  I’m having a good time and it shows.

I can’t think of many things more healing than laughter.  It creates physical changes in the body — more oxygen exchanged in the respiratory system, more blood rushing through the veins, endorphins released in the system, and an abdominal workout all happening at the same time.

It’s the holidays!  If you haven’t taken the time to do so, please go watch a funny holiday movie, read a funny book, or just get together with friends agreeing to only talk about things that lift you up and cause you to laugh out loud.

Try it!  Laughter is the best medicine for the head and the heart!

Body Talkin’ and Laughin’,

Mark

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PAUSING FOR IDENTIFICATION AND CLARITY …

And, we pause this Body Language program currently in progress for station identification.

In recent weeks, I’ve been very focused on Body Language and getting the message out there to folks who are interested in non-verbal communication.  I am passionate about this subject.  I’m a self-described geek about it.  However, I don’t want to lose sight of the most powerful, most valuable reason for sharing what I know about Body Language.  That reason is not deception detection or sexy body language.  The reason is Love and the inspiration that arises from it.

As I continue to write and post and make videos for the online community, a community that I am embracing, I am reminded on a daily basis that I desire to have Love at the forefront of what I do.

The thing I most enjoy speaking about is Love.  This includes flirting, dating, relationships, and sex.  My expertise was first recognized in the media due to the work I was doing on TLC and with The Oprah Winfrey Show as a “Body Language/Communication Coach” and an “authority on love.”  These roots reach deep and I am grateful for my beginnings.  The older I grow, the more I become aware that without Love as a primary component of what I am doing, saying, and being, things don’t hold much interest to me.  So, I believe it is time to clarify my mission a bit.

I will continue to speak about Body Language.  I will continue to write and post videos.  I will add as much Love to the conversations as possible.  I will risk being “taken seriously” for the possibility of sharing Love.  I’ll be brave enough to share my real thoughts and converse about what matters to me most.  I’ll invite dialogues about all that I am sharing.

I desire community.  I desire sharing.  I desire this network of Love that is created through non-verbal communication and very verbal communication.  If you’d like to join me, please continue to read and watch.  Please continue to comment and write back and post.  Please share with your friends or anyone you think might be interested in what is happening on these pages.  I am grateful and humbled by what is possible in this online forum.

Thank you.  I am inspired!

Body Talkin’,
Mark

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HAND OVER HEART — IT COMES WITH A MESSAGE OF LOVE

Have you ever watched someone touch their heart area when speaking about something they care about, something they love?  Have you ever surprised a person with a gift you knew they’d cherish and observed them wordlessly clutching their chest upon its receipt?  Have you ever watched your mother gently stroke her heart center when remembering your childhood days?  There is a very definitive reason for this.

Our hearts are considered the centers of our love because that is where we most feel it.  Sure, our stomachs may have butterflies, our heads may become cloudy, our faces may flush, and other areas of the body may have their own reactions, but it is the heart center that fills up and pumps those love endorphins throughout the body.

In the next few days, observe people who are speaking about things about which they most care.  Notice if they touch their hearts while conveying stories, memories, and feelings.  This physical gesture is a true indicator of loving thought.

Take it a step further.  Pay attention to your own stories, thoughts, and memories.  As you share pleasant words with others or simply think silently to yourself, consciously touch your heart center and see what it feels like.  There is a very strong chance that this action will send messages to the brain that increase your level of pleasure.  You may physically feel it do something to your body, anything from a simple smile to a laugh to a misty eye.  You may feel a sense of calm or peacefulness.  Even without a story attached to it, touching the heart center, placing a hand on the chest, soothes the mind and the body.  As always, I ask you not to take my word for it.  Try it for yourself.  The worst that could happen is that you actually touch your heart and feel a bit of love pulsing there.

There’s much more to come about Body Language from the Heart.  Stay up with all postings by subscribing to my blog and LIKING me on Facebook.  Click here to LIKE.

Body Talkin’,

Mark

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AN INVITATION TO COMMUNE FROM A BODY LANGUAGE/COMMUNICATION SPECIALIST

I am compelled to write about LOVE; mostly because I get it that nothing else really matters.  There are belief systems and religious thought and courses for living, but for me, it comes down to love.  Without it, nothing really feels good.  So, the goal is love in all of its forms, in all of its glory, all the time, and as much as possible.  Everything else is secondary and, ultimately, inconsequential.

I study body language.  I watch people.  I interpret what their facial expressions and bodily gestures are conveying about what they are feeling.  A lot of what I see is fear, sadness, anger, contempt, and disgust.  Occasionally, I see surprise.  The expression I like to see most is happiness.  It looks a lot like love.

I don’t believe much of anything goes well in life without love in it.  Career, fame, fortune, and “getting what we want” all seem to be empty unless there is love.  That is why I am choosing to put love at the forefront of all I intend.  I’ve been a performer, actor, and singer, traveled the world, been without much money, been with an abundance of money, been deep in debt, and lived for years with no debt.  I’ve been a student, a teacher, a writer, a television personality, a hypnotherapist, a personal and professional coach, and a body language specialist.  I’ve been unemployed, held three jobs at one time, gotten paid an obscene amount of money for little work, and gotten paid nothing for a lot of work.  I’ve been single, a serial dater, and in a long-term loving relationship.  I’ve lived in a tiny box of an apartment and in the million dollar “big house on the hill.”  I’ve driven old clunkers and new sports cars.  I’ve dined with celebrities and eaten with the homeless.  The quality of my experiences has been dependent upon the love I’ve given and allowed myself to receive.

What is glaringly obvious to me is that I need people, community.  I love humanity.  I really do.  I love little kids at Halloween and Christmas.  I love the way an older person holds my hand as if it is precious.  I love watching people and being observed in return.  It is a form of communication about which I am passionate.  Yes, I stare.  I know it is unnerving, but I like to stare.  I like to watch what the eyes are saying, see how the body moves through space, and feel the electric spark of connection.  The only way for me to keep doing this is to be very involved with the world.  In recent years, I’ve sat for long hours on the computer or secluded myself from others while in between coaching sessions and public appearances.  I love people.  Why hide away?  I’ve got love to give and receive in abundance.  So, right now, even as I write, I dedicate myself to the community of humanity.  I have something of great value to give.  It is called love.  It may come in the form of written words or body language interpretations or public appearances or quiet moments with a stranger.  It may be unexpected or planned.  What I know is that I am choosing to infuse it into everything that I do.  Why should I waste any time being anything but love?  If it is the best feeling in the world (and it is), if it is the ultimate goal for living (and it is), then why not commit to it fully and unabashedly?

I’d ask that anyone reading this help to keep me honest and on track with this intention.  Sometimes I forget this very simple, beautiful truth that I’ve written here and I get distracted with “how” I’m going to do something.  I start to think about being productive.  I get busy with accomplishing things.  In the process, I get lost.  I forget to love as profoundly and I second-guess life’s meaning and purpose.  Would you be so kind as to remind me?  It can be as simple as a comment or a request or a perspective.  I invite you to share with me.  I like two-way conversations.  Too much yakking on my part starts to become a monologue and I get bored with myself.

Finally, an invitation to anyone reading this on a blog, on facebook, on some other forum or through some other medium — come with me in the ultimate direction.  Let’s fall in love with each other and spread it around.

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And, an expression of happiness settles on my face.

Body Talkin’,
Mark

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THE FLIRTING TRIANGLE — A SUPER-SEXY KISSING MAGNET

I hope you’ve been enjoying this little journey into sexy body language.  There is still much more to share, but I feel it is time to veer into some other areas of interest.  If you have more questions and want more tips about sexy body language, please leave comments for me under this posting. While you are working on the other tips I’ve shared with you in previous posts (go back and read if you’ve missed any), I thought a climactic end would be the grandmaster of romantic interest signals, The Flirting Triangle.

Simply explained, it works like this.  While you are sitting with your person of interest, maintain eye contact, slowly looking from one of their eyes to the other.  Occasionally, as you glance back and forth between their eyes, let your gaze drop down and linger for a split second on their lips.  Then, immediately look back up to their eyes.  Do this a few times in the course of a couple of minutes.  You’ll notice they start to smile a bit more broadly as they read what you are saying to them, which is, “I’d like to know your lips a bit better and I’d like to know them better by kissing them.  AND, I’d like to do it right NOW.”

You create an inverted triangle by glancing from eye-to-eye and then down to the mouth.  You employ The Flirting Triangle subconsciously when you are genuinely interested in kissing someone sitting across from you, but when you feel you wish to hasten the speed of your budding romance, this is the tool to use.

This tip is fool proof.  However, as always, I urge you not to just take my word for it, try it out yourself.  If the other person has interest in you, this body language usually leads to some very pleasant kissing.  Should you pick up on someone doing this to you, they are definitely interested in you.

Coming next, getting beyond flirting and sexiness and moving onto love, love, and more love.   You won’t want to miss this.

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Body Talkin’,
Mark

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CAT AND MOUSE — BUILDING RAPPORT BY MIRRORING BODY LANGUAGE

So, our next lesson in sexy body language is really all about building rapport with another person.  So, I’ll give it to you from the dating/flirting perspective first and then show you how it can be used in other aspects of your life.

I call it “Cat and Mouse.”  The cat waits patiently for the mouse to move and then when the mouse does make a move, the cat responds with movement of its own.  You can do this with a person also, but perhaps without the intention of catching someone under your paw and eating them (unless that is what you are into).

Here’s how it works.  The next time you wish to build rapport with someone notice their body position, how they are holding their hands, how they may or may not be tilting their head.  Slowly position your body so that it mirrors the other person’s body.  If they have one hand up by the face, put your hand up near your face.  If one arm is crossing the body, cross your body with one arm.  If they lean forward, wait a few moments, then you lean forward.  Look at their feet and legs.  Mirror the shapes they are creating with their lower extremities.  Remember you want to do this slowly (not like the cat), following the other person’s lead, waiting a few seconds or up to a minute to mimic the move.  By mirroring the body language of another person they subconsciously begin to feel that the two of you are alike, that you feel the same, that you are “in synch” with one another.  Like speaking the same language can bond two people in a foreign country, speaking the same non-verbal language creates an instantaneous rapport.

If you wish to take this further, add some verbal bonding cues.  Listen to words they use and occasionally use their words when you speak.  Match the rhythm, speed, and tone of their voice.  Communicating similarly is a very direct and relatively easy way to build rapport.  Once you feel that the two of you are “in synch” see if they subconsciously follow your lead.  Shift your stance.  If they shift to match your positioning in the next few seconds, you have built successful rapport.

I use this technique with clients and in negotiation scenarios.  It is extremely useful for instantly building trust, communication, and rapport.  You can also use this with family, a stubborn child, in business settings, and when asking for something you want (even from your boss).  People like feeling they are on the same page with others.

Whether flirting or negotiating, you’ll find that the better you get at Cat and Mouse, the easier communication becomes.

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Body Talkin’,

Mark

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AUTO-EROTIC TOUCH — SENDING A SEXY SIGNAL

Okay, here’s a tip for sending a sexy message that also feels good whether the other peson fully gets the message or not.  I am talking about Auto-erotic touch.  The name sounds more exotic than it actually is.

We all take part in auto-erotic touch on a regular basis.  Whenever we touch an area of our bodies, lips, neck, forearm, etc., we send a subconscious signal to others that this is where we desire to be touched.  Even if the touch is simply to scratch an itch, the signal is sent.  When this signal is sent with intention and is performed slowly, its message gains clarity.

If you and I are sitting in front of one another over a glass of wine or a cup of coffee and I begin to slowly stroke my lip with my forefinger, your attention will go to my lip.  I am sending the signal that my lip desires some touch.  Besides talking, we use the lips for some very fun activities, yes?  My finger is called “an indicator” directing your attention to this particular part of my body.  If you respond by allowing the back of your hand to slowly trace the line of your neck, you are telling me that you’d like for my lips to be on your neck.  We’ve just communicated some very sexy body language without saying a word to one another.  This type of touch can also be performed on the rim of the wine glass.  Slowly, tracing the rim of the glass in a circular motion draws attention to the action and makes the mind wonder how that hand touches other parts of the body.  Do you get the picture here?

Done sparingly and slowly, auto-erotic touch is a great communicator of our touch needs.  More, it can feel good to self-soothe, running your hand through your hair, applying slight pressure to the sides of your neck, relaxing the pout of your mouth with a gentle finger, stoking the fine hairs of your forearm.  Try it today.  In the coffee shop with a stranger or in the kitchen with your spouse, choose a “safe” part of the body to which you’d like to draw some attention.  Make eye contact with the person of interest, and slowly and methodically allow your fingers to explore an exposed area of your body for a few seconds (slowly, gently, and for only a few seconds).  Watch where the other person’s eyes go.  Observe if there is a feeling of titillation in the air.  You don’t have to go any further than this (unless you want to), but it can be fun to learn how non-verbal communication says so much more than words, especially when it comes to our touch desires.

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Next, reading sexy signals.

Body Talkin’,

Mark

www.MarkEdgarStephens.com

www.WhoAreYouChoosingToBe.com

SEXY BODY LANGUAGE — THE SPOTLIGHT EFFECT!

Okay, so we start the discussion on sexy body language by sharing some useful information about how we connect with those whom we don’t yet know.  First off, on average, and remember that these are generalizations, women send out as much as five times more sexual signals than men.  Sorry, guys, but the women tend to be naturally better at it than us.  So, in the flirting world, women have the upper hand.  Also, here’s some good news for those who consider themselves “average” in the looks department.  If you are seen as more physically ordinary and normal as compared to supermodels, your chances of being approached by other people is higher.  You will not be seen as a threat, making you more appealing to others for striking up a casual conversation.  When our minds register extreme beauty or extraordinary physicality in others, we become excited and anxious and will often put too much thought and energy into saying the right thing or making the right move.  This increased desire for the approval of the person of interest and the resulting agita that comes with it is often an obstacle to connecting on a level that feels genuine.  And, finally, and you’ve heard this before if you’ve been keeping up with these postings, the way that you feel about yourself sends very clear signals to the people with whom you wish to connect.  People will respond to you based on the messages you are sending out about how you view and treat yourself.  I have one non-verbal technique that helps with all of these issues.  I call it “The Spotlight Effect.”

Here’s how it works.  In our everyday lives we walk about as if there is a spotlight shining on us and all of our activities.  We have egos that are always guessing whether people approve of us, like us, disapprove of us, notice us, ignore us, want something from us, etc.  We generally think that the whole world can see all of our flaws, insecurities, and shortcomings.  In our minds, the spotlight is big and bright.  We live with a paranoia that if we make the wrong move, mess up, make a mistake that our worlds will come crashing down around us.  When our minds shine the spotlight so fiercely upon us and all of our perceived foibles, we can become like a deer in the headlights (the spotlight effect).  We freeze in our tracks, hypnotized by the unforgiving beam headed straight for us.  This influences how we are with others.  We are so worried about ourselves that we have the attention in the wrong place.  If you wish to connect with another person, from a flirting perspective or otherwise, put the attention on them.  Approach and speak to another person as if they are wearing a sign that says, “I’m also uncertain.  Please treat me well.”  I found out years ago that almost everyone that we consider stuck up or aloof is simply afraid of being revealed, being known on a deep level, and appearing weak or less than.  As humans, we all walk about with the same fears of being ostracized and unaccepted by others (one of the five basic human fears).  Turn the spotlight away from yourself and put it onto others.  When meeting someone for the first time, maintain eye contact, ask them questions about themselves, notice the little things that they do.  Shine your light on them as if they are a treasured piece of art from a gallery.  If the annoying nagging of your ego tries to push the spotlight back to you, simply go back to the person’s face with whom you are speaking.  Ask yourself a few questions.  What color are their eyes?  What expressions are they making with their face?  What is interesting or pleasant about this person?  Keep the spotlight on the person in front of you.  This frees your mind from guessing about how the person feels about you and instead gives you space to get to know them.  The residual effect is that the person to whom you are speaking feels important, feels special.  You are giving them your full attention rather than being distracted by the nagging of your own insecurities.  As a result, you feel better and they feel better, and the opportunity to authentically connect has reached an optimal level.

So, what does this have to do with Sexy Body Language?  Try it!  You’ll see that when you are feeling your best and no longer paranoid about your lack, insecurities, and shortcomings, people find you more appealing.  When you put your genuine attention on another person and enjoy getting to know them, they feel it.  The playing field is wide open for mutually appreciative conversation on both a verbal and non-verbal level.  What could be sexier than that?

More about Sexy Body Language in future postings.  Be sure to subscribe to this blog and to follow all Body Language information by Liking my Public Community Page on Facebook (click on this link).

Next, flirting signals …

Body Talkin’,

Mark

www.MarkEdgarStephens.com

www.WhoAreYouChoosingToBe.com

STARTING AND ENDING WITH HAPPINESS — A BODY LANGUAGE PREROGATIVE!

I’ve gone into the subject of micro-expressions in the past few postings.  I started with happiness and I’m going to end with happiness.  Now, if you’ve been following these articles, you know that I didn’t really post anything about the other  primary micro-expressions, which are sadness, fear, anger, surprise, contempt, and disgust.  There is a reason for that.

With the wonderful world of the internet enabling feedback and statistics about these body language articles, I’ve easily puzzled together (thanks to you currently reading this posting) that you are much more interested in what I most like to speak and write about “body language from the heart.”  As I’ve stated in previous postings, my intention is to use body language to help people to better their lives, to feel their best.  Happiness is a key part of that feeling.  The other emotions conveyed by the other six micro-expressions, not so key to feeling good.  So, if you’d like to further your education on micro-expressions (warning that it begins to get more clinical when you do so), I’m going to give you the big daddy of the body language, micro-expression world — Paul Ekman.  I’ve studied Paul’s work for years and it can be helpful to anyone who wants to dig more deeply into micro-expressions.  His training website is http://www.PaulEkman.com.  Tell him that Mark Edgar Stephens sent you, while displaying a macro-expression of confidence.

So, where did we leave off?  Oh yes, the micro-expression of happiness.  Think of the sun shining on your face, a breeze blowing through your hair, the sound of laughter, a bird taking flight, your favorite desert, someone you love.  Did you feel the muscles of your face move?  Did you feel your lips turn upward and your eyes narrow, creating little crow’s feet.  That was happiness.  If it lasted for less than a second, it is considered a micro-expression.

Here’s a challenge:  Make happiness the dominant emotion your face conveys rather than a fleeting micro-expression.  The way to do this is to train your mind, your thoughts, to focus on the things that make you feel good, feel your best (just like you did above).  Truly, the body and the face are reflections of what we feel on the inside.  Make a promise to yourself that you will monitor your thinking, bring awareness to your thoughts, and when you remember to do so, think of the things that bring the full expression of happiness to the face.  The results both internally and externally are worth it.

Please feel free to share this posting on your facebook page if you found it interesting.  Remember you can subscribe to my blog by signing up on the left hand side of the blog site or be a part of this Public Community Page on Facebook by clicking the link highlighted here.

Next — because you asked for it — sexy body language.  Did you feel blood rush to your face causing you to blush or did your face just explode with a macro-expression of happiness?  Either way, you don’t want to miss what’s coming.  We’ll explore everything from casual flirting to reigniting the spark in your relationship, and a few other things that may make you smile coyly and drop the head down as the eyes dart upward with arched eyebrows (more on that later).

Body Talkin’!
Mark

www.MarkEdgarStephens.com

www.WhoAreYouChoosingToBe.com

A MICRO-EXPRESSION OF TRUE HAPPINESS — SPOTTING A FAKE SMILE

A micro-expression of happiness is fairly easy to define.  The corners of the mouth turn up.  The cheeks raise and wrinkle slightly.  The eyelids narrow and “crow’s feet” (the wrinkling around the eyelids) are present.  Most of us enjoy seeing this micro-expression because it feels good to see someone experiencing happiness.  However, there are plenty of instances in which the smile is faked.  The most obvious indicator of a forced smile or “fake smile” is the lack of crow’s feet around the eyes.

Look at beauty pageant contestants who have been smiling for an inordinate amount of time.  Is there a lack of wrinkling around the eyes?  Glance at family portraits where the picture was taken for the 20th time in an attempt to capture everyone with eyes open and a smile on the face.  Notice that some of those smiles were held for minutes and were not spontaneous.  Is there a lack of crow’s feet (even children will wrinkle around the eyes when smiling genuinely) around any family members’ eyes?  Pay attention to friends and co-workers who have been called out on a particular behavior.  They may be hiding their embarrassment, shame, anger or guilt behind an overly exaggerated, full-toothed grin and big, open eyes (as opposed to narrowed eyes with, you guessed it, wrinkles).  The smile is not real.  It’s there to cover whatever the real emotion may be.

To understand and read the micro-expression of happiness (true and false) more accurately, look at yourself in the mirror (for more about getting comfortable in front of the mirror, see earlier posts).  Think of something that truly makes you happy, that causes a real smile or even a laugh.  Look at your own face — the breadth of the smile, the raised cheeks, the depth of the crow’s feet.  Next, simply look at yourself and “practice” a smile as if you have to hold it for five minutes.  Notice the difference in how the face is shaped.  Interestingly, it is also worth it to notice the difference in how you feel.

Start noticing the smiles of those around you.  Notice when someone’s happiness is real and when it is faked.  Learn to spot the true from the false both in others and in yourself.  You don’t have to do anything about what you observe.  It is simply of value to recognize when an emotion is being faked.  It can be helpful in how you approach and communicate with others.  And, it can help you to more accurately spot the micro-expression of true happiness.

To stay up to date with this blog, subscribe by filling in the field immediately to the left of this posting.  To keep current with all things Body Language, go to my website or Public Community page and click the “Like” button.

Body Talkin’,

Mark

www.MarkEdgarStephens.com

www.WhoAreYouChoosingToBe.com

THE 7 HUMAN EMOTIONS THAT SHOW UP IN MICRO-EXPRESSIONS

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and had an instant feeling that the subject of which you were speaking made them angry or sad even though they never indicated this feeling to you in words?  The chances are you picked up on a micro-expression in the face of the person to whom you are speaking.

Micro-expressions are subconscious, split second reactions that appear on the face that correspond to one of 7 human emotions.  Those emotions are fear, sadness, happiness, anger, surprise, contempt, and disgust.  Even when you try to hide the way you feel about something, it can’t help but show up on your face.  Though you may not be able to determine why the person responded as such, you can be certain about the emotion that is displayed.

Interviews, court cases, and casual conversations are overflowing with these little indicators of true feelings.  When you learn to read these cues accurately, you get a glimpse inside a person’s true emotions.  In the next few postings, I will be breaking down what these expressions look like and how they can be helpful to you.  Until then, pay attention to the faces of those with whom you speak and see if you can discern what their micro-expressions might be conveying to you.

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Body Talkin’,

Mark

www.MarkEdgarStephens.com

www.WhoAreYouChoosingToBe.com

LOVE THE BODY! — A BODY LANGUAGE APPRECIATION CHALLENGE

Okay, before I move on to other aspects of Body Language, it’s more than worth it to post a fourth installment about the connection between your body and the thoughts you have about body image in conjunction with the messages you are conveying to the world (the three earlier postings appear on this blog in retrospective order).  The better you feel about yourself (physically and mentally), the more positive response you will receive from the world around you.  Your thoughts and feelings about you influence the way others respond to you.  Others are subconsciously instructed in how to treat you and respond to you by the signals that you give through your Body Language.  That being the case, why not try a little love???

Previously, I suggested that you use humor and literally laugh at the parts of your body with which you are uncomfortable in order to start making peace with your body image.  I’d like to add to that recipe.  After the laughter has subsided and you’ve looked deeply into yourself and broken the spell of self-loathing with humor (a very powerful technique, by the way), give the body a little love (okay, I can see where some minds have already gone, so let me jump in here very quickly with an example).

After birthing five children and working full time, my mother had difficulty dropping the excess weight she’d gained.  She tried a variety of diets and weight loss regimes that simply never seemed to work.  One day my four-year old brother came up to my mother and hugged her tightly around the waist and with a big loving smile said, “Mama, I love you ’cause you’re so soft and squishy.”  My mother laughed and repeated the story to others indicating that she was going to practice not thinking of herself as undesirably overweight, but as lovingly “soft and squishy”.  Her son loved this about her, so why shouldn’t she?  This is a simple example of how a change in perspective about our bodies can change the way we feel about ourselves.

Try it!  The next time you are standing in front of the mirror berating yourself for the waist that is too thick or the muscles that are too small or the hair that is unruly or the age spot that appeared seemingly out of nowhere, stop for a moment, take a deep, deliberate breath, and send it a little love.  Literally, look at the part of the body (and possibly place your hand lovingly in that area) that you were “making wrong” and see if you can appreciate it.  Play a mental game with yourself.  Find the appreciation that you have hair (many people don’t), that your skin protects you, that your muscles work, that you have plenty of food to eat.  Even if it sounds silly to you, try it.  Believe me, it feels better to appreciate the self and the body than to be overly critical and mean yourself.  When you get dressed to go out, instead of picking at what you are self-conscious about, look at yourself and say, “Hmmmm, I look good.”  Turn around in the mirror and appreciate the body that is able to stand, to walk, to communicate and send it words of love.  Then, when you walk down the street, walk into the party, stand at the podium, or meet that unexpected stranger, you are in a powerful mental state that is reflected in your Body Language.  If you practice loving the body, it most definitely shows.

Moving on in the next posting to the seven human emotions that show up in micro-expressions and how to read them.  Until then, please visit my Public Community Page on Facebook.  It’s all about Body Language.  By doing this, you help me to provide a more solid platform for communicating about “BODY LANGUAGE FROM THE HEART” and how we can use non-verbal communication to feel our best.

Body Talkin’,

Mark

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www.MarkEdgarStephens.com

www.WhoAreYouChoosingToBe.com

n my previous suggestion, I asked you stand

THE NAKED TRUTH! — AN INTIMATE LOOK AT BODY LANGUAGE

Okay, so this Body Language post gets a bit more personal.  Body image is a big part of body language.  How a person feels about him/herself is reflected in how she/he stands, moves, gestures, looks at others, etc.  In previous postings, I’ve suggested ways to feel your best by changing the position of your body, body parts, and expressions on the face.  It works!  Go back to read previous postings for more on this.  To understand at a more intimate level how you feel about yourself and what you may be conveying to the world — get naked and stand in front of a mirror.  Wow!  Did I really just ask you to do that???  Yes, I did.

When people exhibit low self-esteem, they have difficulty holding eye contact with others in conversation and they often avoid their own reflection in the mirror.  If this happens to be the case in your life, make friends with the mirror and start using it for an attitude adjustment.  I’m NOT asking you to stand naked in front of the mirror and judge yourself.  However, I am asking you to listen to what judgments you have about yourself.  Listen to them and then see if you can improve your image of yourself.

So, you don’t have the perfect body of a supermodel (by the way, the supermodel doesn’t always think her whole body is perfect, either).  You may not have the curves in the places you want them.  Your nose may not be the type that people pay for in Hollywood.  Your smile may be less than dazzling.  It is what it is.  You can look at the self (and your life for that matter) and wish it all to be differently or you can adopt a new feeling, a new attitude about your physical self.  I’d like to suggest laughter.  I have an older female friend who often reminds that “aging is not for sissies,” and often is laughing and making jokes about her aging body and its limitations, which seem to come unexpectedly and without warning.  Her sense of humor about her body is reflected in every aspect of her life.  She knows how to have a good time and she knows how to laugh at herself.  As a result, she ends up laughing with others — A LOT!  Try it!  Stand butt naked in front of that mirror and look long and hard at the reflection you see.  Then, start laughing!!!  Really, laugh at the bumps, the bruises, the scars, the “undersirables.”  See if you can work yourself into a good lather of laughter.  Finally, come to rest on the reflection of your eyes.  Look deeply into the reflection of your own eyes and make peace with yourself.  If you feel the tendency to want to look away, stand up to yourself and keep on staring.  Stare until you find yourself smiling without reason.  Look at you the way you’d like for others to look at you — with appreciation, with humor, with respect, with love.

When you’ve made peace with your own body image, the external reflection of you, your body language will adjust accordingly and send a corresponding message out to others.  I often encourage people not to focus on their looks when seeking to attract others, but instead to focus on their body language — a confident walk, an open posture, an uplifted head, gestures from the heart.  When you feel good, you appear more appealing to others, no matter your age, weight, size, or physical condition.

Body Talkin’,

Mark

Go to my Body Language Page on Facebook and “Like” it to keep up to date with Body Language Postings from The Heart.  The link is on my website, found below.

www.MarkEdgarStephens.com

www.WhoAreYouChoosingToBe.com

FAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT! — A BODY LANGUAGE POSTING

Often when learning a new behavior, adopting a new attitude, or simply desiring to feel a bit more confident, secure, strong, or happy, those of us who instruct in body language advocate that you “fake it ’til you make it.”  This does not mean that you cover up feelings or try to lie to those around you or promote a false image of yourself.  It simply means that you adopt a particular body language that sends signals to the brain that correspond with the thought, “Hey, I feel better. stronger, happier, more successful, more attractive when I do this.”  For more on “feeling it first,” see my previous posting.  In fact, if you are just now joining this dialogue, go back and read my previous postings on Body Language (my last two posts).

When you mimic the body language of someone you admire, you get a very personal glimpse into that person’s world and feelings.  Try it!  Is there someone who walks into the room that takes your breath away?  Watch him or her walk and mimic that walk to see what they feel like.  Women, not so difficult for you because there is less resistance to mimicking a masculine walk.  Men, get over yourselves and feel what that “tipping”, cat-like body language is saying and why it “does something” to you deep inside.  Remember, knowledge is power.  Is there a politician or public figure that inspires a sense of respect and admiration?  Watch this person speak.  How does he or she hold the body position, the hands?  How does she or he look at the audience?  Are the movements quick and sharp, or slow and methodical?  Don’t always rely on the “specialists” and “experts” to interpret for you.  Try on the body language.  Feel it from the inside out.  It is not only educational, it is a lot of fun.  Believe me, I do this daily.  You can do the same with facial expressions.  When the object of your attention raises an eyebrow, mirror the move.  Why does it happen?  What is happening in that moment with the person you are observing?  If the eyelids close for a prolonged period while the person is speaking about something very emotional, mimic the movement and see what message your brain is receiving.  You will learn more about body language and your own body, feelings, and emotions by “putting on” the body language of others.

So, how does this help you to “fake it ’til you make it”?  You want to feel more attractive as a man?  Observe a man that women find attractive and adopt aspects  of his body language.  You want to feel more sensual as a woman?  Target the most sensual woman you can observe and make note of how she moves through a room, looks at people, gestures, speaks, relaxes, etc.  Angelina Jolie can tell you more through non-verbal communication than she ever will in words.  It is one of the things that makes her a great actress.  You want to be a great speaker?  Watch great speakers and imitate them.  Watch Obama “steeple” his hands when he talks (more on the specifics of “steepling” later).  Observe Matt Lauer holding eye contact with the camera as if you are there with him.  Imitate the way that Julia Roberts smiles and laughs with wild abandon.  It is important to remember that you don’t have to “do it” exactly as the person you admire does it.  Make it your own.  Practice it until it feels so natural to you, second nature.  You want to keep attention through auto-erotic touch (much, much more on this in later posts), practice stroking the rim of the glass, caressing your neck, brushing back your hair, or lightly scratching the inside of your forearm in a way that holds a man’s attention.  If you don’t know how to do these things naturally (and some people do), then learn by watching.  Learn and then make it your own by “faking it ’til you make it.”  Do it until it feels good to you.  Most importantly, if it feels good to you, it will feel real to you.  When it feels real for you, it will be real for others who can’t help but read it in your body language.

So much more to come.  In the meantime, to keep up with posts, please subscribe to this blog and “Like” my body language page on Facebook.

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Body Talkin’,

Mark Edgar Stephens

www.MarkEdgarStephens.com

www.WhoAreYouChoosingToBe.com

FEEL IT FIRST! — A BODY LANGUAGE POST

One of the most helpful tips I can give you for understanding Body Language is to “feel it first.”  By this, I mean tap into your own body and read what is there.  Literally, stop and take a few deep breaths.  Notice where your body is tight or catches itself from the deep inhalation.  Notice how deeply you can breathe.  Notice if there is any area of the body that is asking for your attention.  I call this exercise in body awareness, attention, and relaxation, “deliberate breathing.”

As you do this breathing exercise, don’t attempt to change anything in the body or the way you feel about the body.  Simply notice where you attention and awareness goes in the body.  Feel what the body is telling by how it feels.  Are your feet evenly planted on the floor?  Do you have a wide stance or are your legs crossed?  Are you leaning into one hip or is your pelvis titled forward or backward?  Is your chest puffed out or are you caved in on yourself?  Are your shoulders tense and uneven, or dropped and relaxed.  Is there tension or relaxation in your elbows, wrists, hands?  Do you have a pain in the neck?  Is your head tilted?  What is your face doing — scrunched, smiling, furrowed brows, tight lips, etc.?  Each of these things tells you something about your body and how you are feeling this moment.  Feel into what your body is telling you.  Identify the feeling.  Don’t judge it (a big no-no in Body Language).  Instead, simply acknowledge what your body is doing and the corresponding feeling that goes with the posture, pain, discomfort, or openness reflected in your body.  Before you read another book on Body Language or another specialist’s words about it (okay, do finish this blog posting), decide for yourself what your body is telling you.  Ultimately, reading and understanding body language is best comprehended by understanding the feelings in your own body first.  Later, you can use your body as a tool to mimic the postures, stances, gestures, walks, and physical mannerisms of others.  With a developed awareness of your own body and by adopting the physicality of others, your body and brain will work together to inform you what others are thinking, feeling, and subconsciously conveying to the world.

I’ll get more deeply into this subject with the next posting and give you a few tips as to how mimicry of another person’s Body Language helps to understand that person more completely.  You’ll even learn how to mimic Body Language that conveys success, confidence, self-esteem, and attractiveness.

If you like this posting, subscribe to my blog.  You can also Like my Community Page on Facebook to keep up with the latest Body Language and Behavior Modification postings.

Body Talkin’,

Mark Edgar Stephens

www.MarkEdgarStephens.com

www.WhoAreYouChoosingToBe.com

THE BASICS OF BODY LANGUAGE — BEGIN … NOW!

If you are following what’s happening on my facebook page, you may have noticed that I’ve begun to actively educate and entertain with postings about Body Language.  It has long been a fascination of mine and used in my work for many years now.  I admit to being a “geek” about this subject.  I could talk about Body Language for hours on end.  It seems that whenever these conversations begin about Body Language, whether in the media (currently on Dr. Drew’s HLN series) or with friends, the fascination is shared by many people.  So, to that end, you will notice that the majority of my upcoming blog posts will be in some way related to Body Language and how you can use it in your own life.

First, let me tell you that Body Language is theorized to be more than 50% of how we communicate.  First impressions and information are related to others more through non-verbal communication than through words.  Think about it.  Sometimes you can see someone walking and have an immediate impression about that person that is correct.  You were reading their Body Language without knowing exactly what it was that you were picking up on.  When you understand the basics of Body Language, your awareness becomes more conscious and you can apply this knowledge in any setting where communication is key.

Secondly, changing our Body Language can actually change the way that we feel.  The muscles of our bodies have associative memories.  This means that when we smile, the muscles that turn upward at the corners of the mouth send a message to our brains that says, “when this happens, I feel good.”  The same can be said for standing up straight, shoulders back, and head raised.  Just like a dog who wags his tail automatically when aroused by an owner’s return home, the muscles that control the movement of our bodies are intricately woven into the feelings that are stimulated by thoughts in the brain and vice versa.

In coming posts, I will be sharing more information about how to use Body Language to feel better, to be more attractive to others, to read the romantic signals of others, to get your point across, to interview better, to detect truth and sincerity, and a plethora of other subjects.  I hope you enjoy these educational and entertaining posts.

Until the next post, turn the corners of your mouth up, sit up straight, pull your shoulders back, lift your head up, and breathe deeply.  You’ll notice that within seconds you are feeling better than before you were doing so.

This is going to be fun!  If you haven’t done so already, I hope you will join my public page on Facebook (it’s all about Body Language) and visit my website and click on the “Like” button.  This way you won’t miss any information that I’m sharing.

Body Talkin’,

Mark

www.MarkEdgarStephens.com

www.WhoAreYouChoosingToBe.com