Often when a question comes up for a client, friend, family or for myself, the first thing I do is look at how the question has been framed. Our subconscious minds are hard-wired to seek answers that correspond to the questions that we ask. If you ask yourself, “Why can’t I lose weight?” Your mind will find all of the reasons why you can’t lose weight. If you ask yourself, “Why is that person against me?” Your mind will search for all of the reasons why that person is against you. Ultimately, these types of questions lead us toward answers that provide all of the proof for why it is difficult to overcome the obstacle or challenge facing us.
I like to turn questions around. Instead of asking why something “can’t” be or why something is “against” me, I ask questions that support an answer that will provide emotional and mental relief. “How can I be at my most healthy? How can I make the best of this situation? How do can I see this experience differently? What is the blessing in this challenge?” I believe that great advancements in science, technology, medicine, intellectual thinking, art, creativity, spirituality, and societal change come from asking questions that open up possibilities. “Is there a cure for cancer? How can I make this machine fly? How can I be of greater use in the world? What is possible?”
I make it a habit to pay attention to the questions that I am asking and the way that I am asking them. I listen to how I frame my questions. What sort of questions have you been asking lately?
Every week I get emails and voice messages requesting advice from those seeking answers to questions. I enjoy it. It’s a good thing because it has become my career to do so. I get these inquiries from clients, friends, family, and strangers. I always have two feelings when these requests come to me. I am honored to be chosen as someone that people trust enough to be able to help guide them through a tough life challenge or emotional obstacle, and I feel a powerful sense of responsibility to contemplate deeply the request, question, answer, or advice. I am clear that each person’s answers are inside of them. Healthy ego aside, I am aware that I could not possibly know every detail of a situation or nuance of another person’s life to be able to answer everything for them. However, I have a passion for helping people to get to the core of their struggles and a capacity to think far outside of the box with a high degree of emotional intelligence. With a lot of deep breathing, a multitude of questions, a practiced ability to observe and listen, and a faith that inspiration is ever present, I continue to be blessed with opportunities to do the work that I do.
I simply want to say “thank you” to everyone who has been brave enough to ask questions and patient enough to wait for answers. It has become a daily practice from which I continue to learn much and for which I am so grateful.
Continuing to learn, continuing to question, continuing to challenge myself with the unknown,
So, I was asked recently for some good advice concerning a particular issue. Before I even knew all of the details about the issue, I suggested deep, deliberate breathing. I don’t know any issue in which stopping for a few moments to take a few deep, deliberate breaths is not helpful. It’s great during times of physical stress, mental confusion, and emotional duress. Deep, deliberate breathing oxygenates the blood, calms erratic thinking, and clears a bit of “space” for inspiration to enter the consciousness. So, for all of us who are looking for some good advice, know this, the first step will always be to stop and take a deep breath. There are more answers in those moments of silence than any words that anyone can share.
Recently, I was asked what to do with feelings described as “low grade anxiety” and “unexplainable stress.” When we have feelings that nag at us and that won’t seem to go away, a usual first response is to “do something about the feeling.” So, we shop, we eat, we drink, we look for physical satisfaction, we work, we workout, we get busy with something, we attempt to control the feelings and the situation, but, ultimately, the feelings return or simply stay in the background like cacophonous sound.
Anything that we resist persists. We like to see anything that does not make us feel good, including thoughts, as a negative threat. And, yet, the feelings you feel come from inside of you. If you do battle with yourself, with your own feelings, you lose because you are on both sides of the battle. You are the thoughts that attack and the thoughts that are trying to counter the attack. Attempt something new. Be with the feelings. When the nagging, the guilt, the fear, the stress, or whatever feeling is persisting arises in your consciousness, stop for a few minutes and breathe. Feel what you are really feeling. Describe the physical sensations that are accompanying the feelings. Stay in your body. Stay in the moment. Feel what makes you uncomfortable and don’t run from it (it may chase you). Accept that this feeling is coming from inside of you (no matter how much you’d like to point your finger at something external as the cause of your discomfort). Don’t try to make the feelings go away. Simply be with them. Breathe with them. Notice the changes in your breathing and in your body. The more relaxed you can become with your “unwanted” feelings, the more they subside and allow for moments of emotional relief and release. As always, don’t take my word for it. Try it for yourself. Stay with the awareness of your feelings until you no longer feel the need to escape them. It is a very empowering experience to use awareness and breath and acceptance to move through emotional discomfort. If you want more tips about how to approach moments of discomfort and emotional duress, look back through this blog, or check out the exercises in www.WhoAreYouChoosingToBe.com
While the rest of the world was experiencing warmer than usual summer temperatures, here in Southern California we truly only had about 2 weeks that felt like real summer (temperatures above 85 degrees). Growing up in Central Florida, I like a good, hot summer. “Aha!” I thought. Perhaps this mild summer here in SoCal means an extended period of summer. Nope. It’s now two days past Labor Day and both yesterday and today have been overcast with drizzle. The current temperature at 9:30 am is still in the 60’s. Though the calendar does not yet say so, it is officially Autumn.
I love the holidays that this time of the year brings and I welcome change, but there is that part of me that feels like I somehow got cheated out of a full summer. My vacation plans were shortened and, in some cases, cancelled. August, typically a slow month for me, was busier than many other parts of the year. So, as I sit here wearing a light jacket and looking out on the misty hill in front of me with a few drops of moisture streaming down my window, I wonder what this new season brings … and I am extremely optimistic.
This week I get to work with one of my favorite corporate clients, Paul Mitchell the School. I am days away from the launch of my new business website with corporate consultant, Mike Amado, titled NexAim.com. One of my comedic, creative writing projects with my life long friend about a Behavior Therapist is being passed around in entertainment circles. I continue to have great meetings with companies with whom I wish to partner. I am inspired to continue developing a web series that is about communication, body language, choices, coaching, questions, NLP, movement, passion, love, forgiveness, gratitude, and any number of subjects about which I care with my good friend, Tom. Next month, I get the opportunity to unveil a jazz concept designed to entertain while also educating and in November I’ll be working with The Lythgoes on a new entertainment project that promises to be a lot of fun. I feel that I have so much to look forward to and I am so grateful. My challenge is simply to breathe deeply as it is all happening and enjoy it as much as possible. As was testament this summer, life moves so quickly. Given the choice to enjoy it or rush through it (and I believe we have a choice about how we experience life), I am choosing to relish every bit of it. Life is good and I am grateful.
Yesterday, after the extended play of the World Cup Finals, I got together with a group of close friends for a games night/dinner event. We laughed a lot and ate to our stomach’s content. During the evening, I became aware how games that have a highly competitive nature tend to be less fun than those that are played for laughs (the World Cup is a good example of this). If you are on the winning team or the winning side, things feel pretty good; if not, then not. I noticed that when we got really serious about the rules and regulations of a game or overly invested in “winning,” the level of fun subsided. When we were involved with games that kept the whole group active and working toward a common goal, there was more levity, more cooperation, and more laughter.
I like to play games as much as (and sometimes more than) others. And, I really do like to win. But, I am noticing that I am generally having more fun in life when the goal is to laugh, enjoy, and help the other players to succeed in a goal. It makes me wonder how this aspect of game playing could be applied to the greater society. What would things be like if individuals, communities, businesses, organizations, and governments worked toward the benefit of all; like a game in which all of the players enjoy the process, work together, laugh along the way, and achieve a common goal? I think it’s a good question. I’m going to play with that for a while.
In my book of wisdom today there was this quote by Matthieu Ricard:
“Our search for happiness is more often founded on our illusions than on reality. It is pointless to try to shape the world to fit our desires: we must transform our minds.”
There is not much I can add to this quote other than the following question:
So, the summer months are coming and with them come long days and more time for questions. I am entertaining the thought of starting a weekly (or daily) video log (vlog) to answer, comment upon, or explore some of the questions that I receive in emails, during personal appearances, and from clients. I need your help in this endeavor. Any question that is related to body language, hypnotherapy, dream analysis, graphology, behavior modification, public speaking, body/mind therapy, overcoming fear, moving ahead in life, raising consciousness, my book, relationships, sex, romance, dating, passion, possibilities, inspiration, or anything related to life-affirming, life-enhancing issues, I welcome to this blog or to my personal email, mark@markedgarstephens.com My intention is to start this vlog response, which will be featured on this blog, on my website and on youtube, as soon as it is possible. So, please, if you have been holding onto a question with which you’d like a bit of perspective and exploration, I’d really like to hear from you. As usual, I’ll keep you posted with developments on the vlog. Of course, if you are visiting this blog regularly, you won’t be able to miss it.
While away for a few weeks I read (for the second time) a book given to me by my mother. It is the simple story of a little girl named Anna who questions everything in the Universe. There were many passages in the book that caused me to stop and think, but there was one section in particular that really sticks with me. During a philosophical conversation with her older (but not always wiser) guardian, she ponders some of the facts in the creation story from The Bible. She poses the question, “What was God’s greatest gift in the Creation Story?” The guardian lists off the creation of heaven and earth, animals and nature, and finally, mankind. Anna does not agree. Ultimately, she says that God’s greatest gift was the rest that he took on the seventh day. He gave the gift of rest.
When I came back from a very intense travel schedule (I continued to work remotely with clients via Skype, telephone, and email) and a visit with family and friends, I had a very intense cold. As soon as I landed back in Los Angeles, I hit the ground running. However, I was still sick and had not given my body the necessary time to rest and recover after my long and busy time away. My body let me know it through a not so subtle relapse in the way that I was feeling. Despite the Vitamin C, the zinc, the green juices, and the frequent nasal wash, I am convinced that the greatest healer was the rest I took. I canceled my plans for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and just rested — nowhere to go, nothing to do, just rest. During this time, I was reminded of the musings of Anna. Indeed, I think one of the greatest gifts we have been given (especially after a massive amount of “doing”) is rest.
I read quotes from a book of wisdom everyday. Today’s passage was a quote by Arnaud Desjardins that simply reads, “THERE IS NOTHING CLEVER ABOUT NOT BEING HAPPY.” This quote made me smile. Sometimes, like many people, I can get very concerned about what is happening in my life and sometimes I forget to be happy. This simple reminder has changed the course of my day.
A very wise man recently said to me, “if you don’t know the answer, ask the question. If you don’t know the question to ask, ask what question to ask and then wait for the answer.” It sounds like a conundrum but if you think about it, it makes sense. There have been many times that I have been at a crossroads and not only did I not know the answer, I didn’t even know what I was supposed to be trying to find out. So, now I am making it a practice to ask, “what is the question?” I know the answer will come because it is already inside of me. I also know that asking the same question usually leads to the same answer. If you want to find a new path, a new direction, a new passion, ask what question you should be asking. Then, be patient enough to see what comes up for you.
Sometimes I have clients who come to me and this question more than any other comes up, “What’s it all about?” Challenges in life make them ask why the relationship ended or why the business is failing or where the passion went. I always start this question and answer process with, “I don’t have your answers, but you do.” Then, my questions begin. In this process I am always so blessed to be the recipient of this learning process because as my clients go on their journey of discovery, I go on my own personal journey. I never know where it will lead, I simply follow and try not to get in the way of what life is bringing to me. In this way, I am constantly and consistently coaching myself. If you are at an impasse in your life and asking questions that don’t seem to have answers, a hypnotherapist, behavior modification or life coach may be of assistance. There are also plenty of books available that can used as personal coaching tools. Or, you may simply want to sit quietly for a long while and just be with your feelings and your questions and see what comes up in the silence of your own mind. After all, no one has the answers for you. Your deepest, most profound answers are inside of you.
I truly believe that adversities can be viewed as blessings when seen from new perspectives. During my second trip to appear on THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW, in the hotel I was staying, the money from my wallet was stolen. I remember having a “freak out” moment. It was only hours before I was to be picked up to go to the studios and there I was having feelings of confusion and anger over what had happened. I knew that I needed to be at my best for the day. It was the big season finale and one deserving couple was to be awarded a MILLION DOLLAR WEDDING GIVEAWAY based partially upon my assessment of the couple. To be at my optimal best, I needed some help in shifting my perspective and finding the blessing. I called my coach on the phone and he walked me through all of the necessary questions to be able to turn my feelings around and see the adverse situation from a perspective that not only brought a smile to my face, but in an interesting way, made me grateful for the event. Long story short, I went on to have one of the best television appearances of my life that day at HARPO STUDIOS. The details of this story can be found in my book, WHO ARE YOU CHOOSING TO BE?
Sometimes when we are in the middle of adverse circumstances it can be challenging to find the blessings, but with a little help and some well-intentioned questions, it is possible. Think about a situation in your own life where the memory of an event causes you pain. Ask yourself, “What is the blessing?” and see if any new perspectives come up for you. If you need some help with this, you can always do the exercise in Chapter 5 of my book or simply ask a close friend to help you see the good that can come from the otherwise “unfortunate” situation. Finding the blessing is always possible. It simply takes a willingness to do so and the patience for the answer to arrive.
At the beginning of each chapter of my book, WHO ARE YOU CHOOSING TO BE?, I ask a powerful question. In my private practice I ask a lot of questions. The power of questions to be able to open the subconscious mind to new ways of thinking and new perspectives is very powerful. In fact, I believe that it is through the questioning process that we as humans have advanced technologically, medically, creatively, financially, emotionally and spiritually. We ask a question that opens up possibilities that we may not have previously explored and then we follow the line of questions until we find a satisfactory answer.
This is what a good coach does. He or she asks questions that help a person to arrive at their own answers. They empower, not by pointing a superior finger, but by asking the compassionate and thought-provoking question.
What is Possible?
Where is Your Attention?
What is The Blessing?
What is Your Passion?
These are all questions that stoke the fires of creative, emotional, and personal growth. Try it. Ask yourself these questions and see what answers come up for you.
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